Sunday, February 06, 2005

Feng Weee!

As I went to work on Friday, I followed my usual routine of driving down Martel Avenue, cursing and shaking my fist in disbelief and exasperation at the gentleman of dubious intellect in front of me holding his cell phone up close to his face while he text messaged someone...while driving. I guess he’d run out of talking minutes and was trying to save money, ostensibly to pay for the coffins of the people he was about to kill by sheer idiocy. Guess he didn’t hear about that new roll over plan. Anyway, I made it to work in time to get my ritual Friday cinnamon roll from the bakery of yummy goodness nearby, my extra large cup o Joe and up the elevator I went. A 60ish man wearing sun glasses in the daytime got on the elevator and proceeded to leer at the females. Ew. I automatically pictured him in his underwear as a defense mechanism only to envision the leather thong that people of his ilk are bound to wear, I’m just sure of it. I burst out laughing before safely reaching my floor, solidifying my reputation yet again as the crazy lady that works in suite 808. Crazy, but also easily amused.

Now before I go further in my little day from hell, I should go back a couple of weeks to the day when I decided to “Clear my clutter with Feng Shui.” Now in case you’ve managed to never hear what Feng Shui is, it is a philosophy that creates an environment which is ergonomic; it lets us work efficiently, comfortably and successfully by following the patterns of nature. This huge undertaking began with my home, and extended on to my cubicle pod. Not to my car, that’s just crazy. Since I was on a roll, I took this whole “Wealth and Prosperity corner” business very seriously. So I put a fountain in it. In my cubicle. The same cubicle where Ursula, the Cubicle Witch likes to point her knarled forefinger at decorative infractions, ever reminding us what is regulation, and what is not. If you can even fathom the look on her face when she saw the fountain. Did I mention it has festive red and blue lights? She appeared in my newly clutter-cleared-cubicle (AGAIN with the alliteration. God I love it when I get to do that) and the eyes widened. The knarled hands clutched at her chest as she stammered, “Wha-wha-wha…”

“It’s a Feng Shui fountain,” I said. “It’s for productivity and the acquisition of wealth for the company.”

Ursula was speechless. Finally.

“I figured the place could use a little sprucing up in that department,” I said.

Ursula, still speechless, left my cubicle pod, in search, no doubt for the Human Resource Director. I sat there, wide eyed and bushy tailed, waiting for the guillotine.

So, back to Friday, the day from hell. Two weeks had passed without incident; I turned the fountain on every day and enjoyed the little tinkling sound of water throughout my day. I continued to clear clutter from my home and while doing so managed to drive a wall hanger straight through my thumb while hanging a mirror. Mirrors are important to Feng Shui. Apparently so is blood. Nature and all.

Anyway, it was Friday, after the text messaging future vehicular manslaughter guy and leering sunglasses guy; I was just about to dig into my cinnamon roll at my desk when my boss asked me into his office to inform me that my hours are being significantly cut.

What does Feng Shui mean again? Oh yeah –

“People will believe anything.”


Blogger Laura said...

OH NO! You totally got me with that surprise tragic ending! There I was, chuckling at your feng-shui-inspired bloody thumb accident (normally I don't laugh about blood, but DAMN you're good), amused and light-hearted, and then you throw THAT in at the end? So are you thinking that the cutting of the hours has anything to do with the fountain infraction? Are you going to look for another job, or just enjoy your new part-time freedom?

07 February, 2005 05:06  
Blogger Cranky Liberal said...

ACK I have to second that. I was rolling in my seat until the end and BAM stopped cold.

07 February, 2005 08:37  
Blogger ~Betsy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

07 February, 2005 09:47  
Blogger ~Betsy said...

I think a spell should be cast on Ursula the Cubicle Witch, if indeed she is involved in your hours being cut.
Guess you'll have more time to finish clearing your clutter, which is liberating anyway, Feng Shui or not, and time to meditate on your next move.
It sounds hokey, but I believe this: when one door is closed another one opens.
Good Luck!

07 February, 2005 09:54  
Blogger R said...

Um...I think your not supposed to have a fountain in that corner. The fountain is for your career corner (Now I tell you!) Something purple and/or money should go in the prosperity corner according to my book. Although there are a thousand types of feng shui it seems. I'm reading "Change your life move your stuff" ..good book. That sucks. About your poor appendage and your crappy boss. I put Foo Dogs on either side of my door. Everytime something negative "almost" happened I noticed that one of my foo dogs was out front and the little cocktail sword was out of it's mouth and on the ground. I told my H..."See? HE is protecting us." day he up and left. Or was kidnapped. The investigation continues. ANYWAY...I have my husband so paranoid that something is going to happen without him to guard us, that he put a GI Joe (gun pointed out) in it's place. He HOT GLUED it to the pavement. And I wonder why my neighbors think we're crazy. I guess my point is...get yourself some foo dogs and stash them in a drawer on either side of your desk. GI Joe can substitue, although I suspect that Barbie would do a better job taking care of Ursula. Barbie looks sweet enough, but we all know she is one grudge holding, vindictive BITCH in high heels. Which is why we lurve her.

07 February, 2005 13:31  
Blogger R said...

And just to be spiteful..I think you should file a workmans comp for the thumb. Can you imagine the explanation on the form? While hanging feng shui mirror in cubicle...ha ha

07 February, 2005 13:32  
Blogger Jet said...

Well, sounds to me like Ursula requires a Feng Shui smackdown. Gather up the tiny trinkets of negativity, slip in early on one the few days not excised from your work week, and hide those little beacons of anti-happiness in her cubicle. If it unleashes the hounds of hell, you'll at least have the comfort of knowing you had Ursula pegged.

Feng Schwing!

07 February, 2005 13:46  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

voo doo!

09 February, 2005 13:08  
Blogger ThomasMcCay said...

The problem with unleashing more mental hell hounds for the person in question, is that she won't even notice the extra load. Happiness is not on this persons agenda.

Office monsters come a a few flavours but the tense anal rule enforcement freak is maybe the unhappiest and most filled with anger and self created anxiety, there is nothing you could wish upon them that is worse than what they have already chosen for themselves.

This is one seriously miserable person every waking and probably every dreaming hour of her day, 365 a year times X number of years.

Can you imagine a worse fate than to be her. I mean to actually live in that miserable angry existence. The stuff of night mares it is.

10 February, 2005 03:45  
Blogger R said...

Ha! I LOVE that guy.

10 February, 2005 10:35  

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