Feng Weee!

As I went to work on Friday, I followed my usual routine of driving down Martel Avenue, cursing and shaking my fist in disbelief and exasperation at the gentleman of dubious intellect in front of me holding his cell phone up close to his face while he text messaged someone...while driving. I guess he’d run out of talking minutes and was trying to save money, ostensibly to pay for the coffins of the people he was about to kill by sheer idiocy. Guess he didn’t hear about that new roll over plan. Anyway, I made it to work in time to get my ritual Friday cinnamon roll from the bakery of yummy goodness nearby, my extra large cup o Joe and up the elevator I went. A 60ish man wearing sun glasses in the daytime got on the elevator and proceeded to leer at the females. Ew. I automatically pictured him in his underwear as a defense mechanism only to envision the leather thong that people of his ilk are bound to wear, I’m just sure of it. I burst out laughing before safely reaching my floor, solidifying my reputation yet again as the crazy lady that works in suite 808. Crazy, but also easily amused.

Now before I go further in my little day from hell, I should go back a couple of weeks to the day when I decided to “Clear my clutter with Feng Shui.” Now in case you’ve managed to never hear what Feng Shui is, it is a philosophy that creates an environment which is ergonomic; it lets us work efficiently, comfortably and successfully by following the patterns of nature. This huge undertaking began with my home, and extended on to my cubicle pod. Not to my car, that’s just crazy. Since I was on a roll, I took this whole “Wealth and Prosperity corner” business very seriously. So I put a fountain in it. In my cubicle. The same cubicle where Ursula, the Cubicle Witch likes to point her knarled forefinger at decorative infractions, ever reminding us what is regulation, and what is not. If you can even fathom the look on her face when she saw the fountain. Did I mention it has festive red and blue lights? She appeared in my newly clutter-cleared-cubicle (AGAIN with the alliteration. God I love it when I get to do that) and the eyes widened. The knarled hands clutched at her chest as she stammered, “Wha-wha-wha…”

“It’s a Feng Shui fountain,” I said. “It’s for productivity and the acquisition of wealth for the company.”

Ursula was speechless. Finally.

“I figured the place could use a little sprucing up in that department,” I said.

Ursula, still speechless, left my cubicle pod, in search, no doubt for the Human Resource Director. I sat there, wide eyed and bushy tailed, waiting for the guillotine.

So, back to Friday, the day from hell. Two weeks had passed without incident; I turned the fountain on every day and enjoyed the little tinkling sound of water throughout my day. I continued to clear clutter from my home and while doing so managed to drive a wall hanger straight through my thumb while hanging a mirror. Mirrors are important to Feng Shui. Apparently so is blood. Nature and all.

Anyway, it was Friday, after the text messaging future vehicular manslaughter guy and leering sunglasses guy; I was just about to dig into my cinnamon roll at my desk when my boss asked me into his office to inform me that my hours are being significantly cut.

What does Feng Shui mean again? Oh yeah –

“People will believe anything.”