Thursday, December 30, 2004

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS, 2005 STYLE

For the News Years resolutions of 2005, I hereby resolve to:

1. Drink and smoke from the time I awaken in the morning until I pass out at night, daily, causing everyone within 5 feet from me to move away from my lethal stench.

2. Eat as much starch, cheese, chocolate, cheese, olestra free potato chips, cheese, ice cream, cheese, and cheddar-Parmesan goldfish in one sitting as humanly possible - at least 3 times a week.

3. Live a completely exercise free lifestyle.

4. Show up for work late.

5. Call in sick often.

6. Make loud and inappropriate noises from my cubicle at work.

7. Watch the TeeVee every day.

8. Throw temper tantrums in public often.

9. Be as California rude to as many people per day as I come in contact with.

10. Hug people who drive Hummers and thank them for contributing to the economy.

11. Talk about my bodily functions in a graphic manner at the dinner table.

12. Stop reading entirely.

13. Embrace mediocrity entirely.

14. Speak my mind without diplomacy or editing.

15. Be more proactive and agressive about leering at men half my age.

16. Eat as much starch, cheese, chocolate, cheese, olestra free potato chips, cheese, ice cream, cheese, and cheddar-Parmesan goldfish in one sitting as humanly possible - at least 5 times a week.

I really hope I can do this. In the past I have not been able to stick to even one resolution, and have often ended up doing quite the opposite. I have a good feeling that 2005 will be different. It's all about optimism.

6 Comments:

Blogger Brass Monkey said...

Thank you for the comment on my other blog (barns.blog-city.com) and I must say I wholeheartedly embrace both your suggestion and your new years resolutions. In fact, I may even adopt some of them myself, if I can be bold enough.

Number 6 won't be difficult. Most of the inappropriate noises I make are targeted squarely at my colleague Mark, and most are successfully aggressive and lewd attacks on his personal hygiene and lifestyle choices, which thankfully are met with a repost of equal, if not more venomous, ferocity. Such are the cogs of industry.

I do however feel that you may be lacking cheese from your diet, and I recommend as someone not at all qualified to do so that you eat more.

I also sincerely hope that you can find it within yourself to use diagrams where necessary, and perhaps the occasional practical, as part of your dinner table discussions.

Much fun can be had with mediocrity, as it is the one stand point with so few merits that attack from others is nearly impossible.

I'm thoroughly glad you commented on my blog - yours has cheered me up no end. Thank you!

Have an extremely excellent and/or delightfully decadent new year, and I hope to hear from you again!

Barney
bra.monkey@gmail.com

30 December, 2004 14:44  
Blogger R said...

I dunno, I was really excited about number 15. I do it. Is that a bad thing? I'm also guilty of number 11. But that is after I got paid by a pharm company to show up at doctors offices with lunch, so that we could discuss the problem of herpes. Old habits die hard. "If we can just get the sore down to the size of a pea...hey you gonna eat that pickle?"

30 December, 2004 16:08  
Blogger Laura said...

Your New Years Resolutions sound a LOT more fun than mine. Celery anyone?

31 December, 2004 08:12  
Blogger BTude a.k.a. GlassHoppah said...

Now THIS is a resolution list I can work with and definitely one that could be accomplished with little effort (I think my weekend was pretty similar, but I'm afraid I can only meet the entire list on rare occasions).

I have to admit, I was good to go until #13 - it's either one extreme or the other - I can rarely find the middle ground! =D

Thanks again for stopping by and your supportive words.

02 January, 2005 22:00  
Blogger Desmond Goh said...

Thanks for the visit and leaving a comment. I am sure you will be able to achieve your new year resolutions if you try hard enough to fight off oppositions and threats. And if you do succeed, don't forget to leave a old bottle of whisky on the shelf will you? I am coming by. LOL!!!

03 January, 2005 17:43  
Blogger R said...

FIVE WHOLE DAYS is a long time to wait for a new post. Hope all is well, and your not killing yourself over there trying to keep up with all of these New Year Resolutions. I'm thinking of making #2 one of mine in solidarity.

04 January, 2005 13:30  

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