"IT'S A BRAND NEW DAY . . ."

I woke up with the Genital Herpes commercial jingle in my head this morning. Don’t get me wrong, “It’s a Brand New Day” is a nice sentiment and a catchy little tune, but NOT when it is accompanied by the mental image of a certain blue-eyed brunette who we have all come to know and love by the name “THE HERPES GIRL.” I certainly hope she got paid triple scale for doing that spot. And I wish to kill the jingle writers at this very moment.

That said, it is time for the wrapping up of things as we end this year and head into the next. While it is simply another day where we wake and eat and work and make love and sleep or whatever it is we do – it has become, in our culture, a time to reflect on the previous year and based upon that reflection – to RESOLVE to do things differently in the new year. The New Year represents a bit of a new chance. A tabula rosa, if you will.

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind y’all of what my resolutions were this time last year:

1. Drink and smoke from the time I awaken in the morning until I pass out at night, daily, causing everyone within 5 feet from me to move away from my lethal stench.

2. Eat as much starch, cheese, chocolate, cheese, olestra free potato chips, cheese, ice cream, cheese, and cheddar-Parmesan goldfish in one sitting as humanly possible - at least 3 times a week.

3. Live a completely exercise free lifestyle.

4. Show up for work late.

5. Call in sick often.

6. Make loud and inappropriate noises from my cubicle at work.

7. Watch the TeeVee every day.

8. Throw temper tantrums in public often.

9. Be as California rude to as many people per day as I come in contact with.

10. Hug people who drive Hummers and thank them for contributing to the economy.

11. Talk about my bodily functions in a graphic manner at the dinner table.

12. Stop reading entirely.

13. Embrace mediocrity entirely.

14. Speak my mind without diplomacy or editing.

15. Be more proactive and agressive about leering at men half my age.

16. Eat as much starch, cheese, chocolate, cheese, olestra free potato chips, cheese, ice cream, cheese, and cheddar-Parmesan goldfish in one sitting as humanly possible - at least 5 times a week.


Well, I certainly did okay with some of them. Actually, I pretty much sucked at all of them, to tell the truth. I don’t actually drink – and while I did start smoking again a couple months ago, I am in such shame about it that I hide myself like the social pariah that I am. I discovered Spin class and got addicted, so there goes the exercise free lifestyle. I never missed work, or called in sick – partially because I had to take so much time off anyway, it wasn’t possible. I no longer work in a cubicle – so that’s out; I failed the teeVEE commitment and read the works of Jane Austen, Mary Wollstencraft, Emily Bronte, William Blake, Virginia Woolfe and a little Byron; I failed at cheese eating because when my little sister got cancer, the whole family switched to a macrobiotic way of eating in support of her regimen, lost weight and I’ve gone from 152 pounds down to 135. At 5’8” I’d say I’m rather svelte these days . . . hey wait a minute. Is it possible that in the grand tradition of breaking every New Years resolution ever made, that making resolutions actually nets one polar opposite results? HMMMMMMMM. You be the judge.

In any event, may everyone have a Happy New Year; a fresh start if you need it; a “Brand New Day.” (Herpes free, of course).

Here’s a little intention - NOT a resolution (that's Sooooo 2005)- I will try to uphold this year – and that is to do one nice thing per day for a total stranger and tell no one about it. If I learned anything at all this year – I learned that life is short and attitude is everything.

Be well, people. Be well.