PIE AND PHILOSOPHY

Okay, here’s a wacky question that can keep you up at night. If you’re waiting for an elevator and the doors open and there’s an actual sumo wrestler inside – do you get on? I saw that on a commercial once and it just freaked me out for days.

That being said, I am moving the subject to something completely different. Of the philosophical nature, if you will. We as human beings are generally raised with, or glean along the way, a certain social awareness. An intuitive sense that certain impulses should not be acted upon. IMPULSE. I M P U L S E. A sudden wish or urge that prompts an unpremeditated act or feeling. For example, I might have an overwhelming desire to get up and leave my comfy spot in a comfy booth at Mel’s Diner, walk over to a complete stranger comfortably seated at ANOTHER comfy booth, pick up a ketchup bottle and dump it over the stranger’s head. That type of behavior is generally frowned upon and deemed unacceptable unless you are on a reality teeVEE show, and then it is expected behavior befitting a representative of the United States. And given that Mel’s, while a diner, is generally patronized by well coifed people in full makeup who have had a lot of work done to make them appear younger, more firm, lifted and (except for Linda Tripp, who had just had God knows WHAT done to her face and looked like a cadaver cheerfully eating an omelet) a lot like Barbie, or Ken for that matter, chances are I would be messing up a really nice hairdo and expensive tee shirt.

IMPULSE. A sudden wish or urge that prompts an unpremeditated act or feeling. That would be the ketchup scenario. ORRRRR the electrochemical transmission of a signal along a nerve fiber that produces an excitatory or inhibitory response at a target tissue, such as a muscle or another nerve...That would be the ketchup scenario if my body acted independently in all things, despite thought control…okay, so what if I woke up one morning and everything that I thought about I started doing – completely incapable of controlling it – just because I thought about it and the brainwaves kicked off the electrochemical transmission of a signal to the rest of me? What if I started furiously masturbating in a public mall because I passed a Circuit City and they were showing the 1996 Tom Berenger movie “THE SUBSTITUTE” on each and every one of their large screen television displays…and I just THOUGHT about it?...Okay, where was I.

An example of a NON IMPULSIVE act, but rather the desperate fight for freedom, dignity and office Feng Shui, would be my giving notice at the 7th circle of hell cubicle drone job I have mentioned in posts past. Yes, you may congratulate me for telling Ursula the Cubicle Witch that I will be moving right along. And in a group act that just warms my cockles, some of my co-workers, in silent passive aggressive protest, have arranged a little good-bye gathering where pie will be served. Rhubarb pie. Ursula the Cubicle Witch just LOATHES rhubarb pie. Which is why they will be serving it.

It is my opinion that one’s ass always looks best when one is walking away.