Ooooooooooh, What's that SMELL...

Recently, I came home from work, opened the door and there was the unfamiliar smell of what seemed to be cheap perfume in my home. The sickeningly sweet chemically-smelling stuff one can find in the sale-bin at Rite-Aid, or the type of awful assault one can experience when coming within the vicinity of someone who has never been taught how to wear the stuff. (Tip – it’s like B.O. – if you can smell it on yourself, you’re killing us and it’s time for a shower.) It smelled like a cheap hooker had been in my home while I was away.

“Manpants?” I asked sweetly.

“Yes, honey?” he said.

“Did you have someone over today?” I asked.

“No, why do you ask?” he answered.

“Because there’s a weird perfumy smell in here.”

“Well, it’s just been me and the dogs,” he said.

He came over and kissed me hello. AND I SMELLED IT.

“Are you wearing a new aftershave?” I asked.

“No! Honey, what’s wrong with you?” he asked.

“Well, there’s a weird smell in the house...and quite frankly you smell like a ten cent whore.”

“WHAT!?!?!?” he exclaimed.

Now don’t get me wrong. I trust Manpants implicitly, but the cheap perfume smell could not be denied. That’s when I saw it on the counter. The spray item that I see frequently advertised on teeVEE commercials that American households apparently need to spray on all fabric and upholstery type things they own...the name of the item is a witty combo of FABRIC and BREEZE, and it is designed to cover THE SMELL. I walked over to the counter, picked up the spray item that I see frequently advertised on the teeVEE and took a whiff of the spray nozzle.

BINGO.

Apparently Manpants decided he needed it to spray on his gym clothes so he could wear them for more than one sweaty workout session, rather than toss them in the wash. And since he hadn’t showered yet after getting back from the gym, he still smelled like the spray. It clings. Manpants had finally done the unthinkable. He had fallen victim to television advertising, which he apparently has been watching more of lately since we got rid of cable. Reality teeVEE dominates so much of network television that if one wants to see an actual actor, one has to watch the commercials.

There seems to be an ever growing collection of commercials and products designed to cover...THE SMELL...Stuff to cover smells upon furniture, clothing, laundry, living rooms, bathrooms (okay that one I might understand)...“fresheners” one can plug in, put on a table top, use as a nightlight, fresheners with built in fans so as to continually waft the scent of choice around a room, sprays, gels, solids, wipes...the list is ever growing to fill that need that the American household seems unable to be without...something to cover THE SMELL.

I got choked with this same smell yet again while hiking when a female hiker got ahead of me on the trail. Already breathing pretty heavy from the effort of the uphill climb, my oxygen supply was immediately stopped by the cloud of FABRIC BREEZE blowing into my airways off of her clothing. Ew.

Now I’m not sure when the American household decided that it was no longer appropriate to actually CLEAN a house – you know, vacuum, mop, polish the furniture, wash the laundry, wash the dog, stuff like that...or God forbid OPEN A WINDOW, but at some point we apparently decided to get all earthy about the whole thing and rather than clean anything...just cover it with something to continually mask the smell with a “spring fresh scent.” It is apparently so crucial that we adopt this way of life that in one commercial a woman literally tears apart her wall and ceiling in an effort to divert the electrical power to accommodate her favorite plug-in freshener in the room of her choice…it’s all quite violent, she greatly alarms her husband and we are unwillingly exposed to the new, improved, darker side of the current domestic environment.

Perhaps we’re trying to be more European? Except that last I checked, the European household is generally pretty neat (and has healthier food in the fridge). Yes, the French invented perfume to cover the fact that they used to bathe rather infrequently, but that was their BODIES, not their entire environment, and the French are far superior to Americans in the art of perfume creation. They gave the world Chanel #5 – we gave it Charlie.

Just open a window people...and if an upholstery cushion smells like ass – maybe it’s time to actually CLEAN it.