BOTOX, BOOBS AND GIRLY MEN

Well, well, well. It appears our illustrious Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, hypocritical girly man himself (more on the girly man stuff later in this rant) has received some critical press: “Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's ambitious plan to reorganize state government was influenced "significantly" by oil and gas giant ChevronTexaco Corp., the Associated Press has reported.” According to KCRW radio, “Chevron recently donated $100,000 to a Schwarzenegger campaign fund and helped pick up the $350,000 tab for his trip to the Republican National Convention in New York.” I wonder how he managed to rake up a $350,000 tab. I wonder how many jobs are being removed from the state of California as we speak. Just curious. I think the repeated and excessive use of Botox has seriously impaired Arnie’s already steroid impaired brain function.

WHAT?!?!?! you say? Arnold uses Botox? Okay, yeah, we know about the steroids, he had to admit to that, but BOTOX?!?!? Well, aside from the atrocious choice in hair-dye color he is currently sporting that looks like that most unloved of Crayola crayon colors, Burnt Sienna, not to mention the incorrect shade of foundation that his make-up artist apparently applies with a trowel, let’s face the even more obvious. The man’s forehead hasn’t moved in ages. Look at him. Do you ever see anything move on that face from those perky cheekbones, up? Now, no, I don’t know for a FACT that he uses the stuff – but he sure looks different than he used to, and I don’t think the natural aging process includes facial immobilization. For the hair color and makeup choices alone, he’s got major cajones calling ANYONE “Girly Man.”

Now, don’t get all insulted if you use the stuff – Botox, I mean, I would NEVER put down a person's desire to change their hair color. I just hope they would choose a good shade. But think about this for a minute. People are willingly injecting poison into their foreheads in an attempt to still look 35 without any knowledge of what will happen 25 years from now after extended use of the stuff. Nor do they know what 25 years of trying to stay looking 35 is going to do to them. Or even 10. Well, I live in Hollywood. The Mecca for people who re-create themselves surgically. And because it was personal insecurity that caused them to start doing that in the first place, or their agent told them to, or they did it because of job-insecurity because no one past the age of 40 is employable in L.A., they usually re-create themselves to look like everyone else who is re-creating themselves, so there’s not much variety going on. I think there are only about 3 different noses on the Rhinoplasty approval scale, and the boob jobs are uniformly C-D cups which are SUPPOSED to leave the women looking like their breasts have been in an argument with each other for ages and are not speaking. Because I live in a town where plastic surgery is more common and accepted than WALKING (that would involve getting out of the car) I feel confident that I can tell you what happens to all those people who started to have little nips and tucks in their late 20’s who are now in their 50’s. THEY LOOK LIKE GARGOYLES. The kind you have to refrain from screaming at when you see them for the first time. I think it might have something to do with the natural aging process going on around the areas where surgeries were done, which did not allow or account for that process (hence the term PLASTIC). It’s sort of like meeting a burn victim. You don’t want to let on that you KNOW their face is horribly disfigured, so you do your very best to appear neutral and cool. The difference between the tragic circumstances that made a person a burn victim and the excessive-plastic-surgery-over-time-victim, is that the plastic surgery victim CHOSE to have this done, and actually believes (because what else are people going to say) that they look FABULOUS!!!!!! Now don’t misunderstand me. There are very legitimate reasons to get plastic surgery (again back to burn victims) and it is a needed element to the medical profession. I’m just not talking about that here.

I went to a Beverly Hills dermatologist, who shall remain nameless even though I wish him a variety of ills, who was to treat me for skin cancer. At each and every visit, his medical advice to me was only minimally about future measures to prevent skin cancer, but rather was focused on the fact that, in his opinion, I NEEDED Botox. Any fears or lack of confidence that I had in the product that was not being recommended for any MEDICAL reason, not to mention my being kind of attached to the memories behind each wrinkle and the knowledge that I had a damn good time earning them….he made a point to explain away my disinterest in the most condescending manner possible, the implication being that I was obviously a very stupid person in denial about my wrinkles and I was an idiot for not immediately going under the needle.

So, call me a rebel, but I refuse in this instance to do what all the other kids are doing these days. I already did that with every drug known to man in the 70’s and 80’s. And I’m much sexier for it.