THE U.S. DATING DEBACLE

I never cease to be amazed at the ongoing evolution of the dating/courtship ritual between people in our very confused country. Every day I see the plight that some of our single, recently divorced or widowed friends go through in that horror that is: DATING SCENE: 21ST CENTURY. It is a true wonder that anyone actually manages to make a connection at all. There are certain persons that would like to make the claim that gay marriage is going to bring down the institution of matrimony – I beg to differ.

Modern day American culture neither allows nor encourages one much opportunity to get to know one's neighbors or the people in their extended community. The extended American workweek rarely involves a yearly vacation where one might actually have the opportunity to go anywhere they might meet someone. Our particular current brand of government sanctioned self-involvement that puts Self above any and all other consideration, let alone interest in other people, is far more responsible for a nationwide inability to connect with our fellow man or woman.

I am old enough to remember when a “date” meant going out to dinner, to a movie, chatting about the movie over after-dinner drinks and if there was a lot of chemistry, perhaps going out again, or if REALLY attracted, maybe getting naked. If someone used the term “safe sex” it was usually interpreted to mean a padded headboard.

The person that did the asking out was the person who would be paying for the evening. It was considered beyond rude to invite someone somewhere and then expect the invitee to pay for it. Going “Dutch” was usually deemed appropriate for a blind date or something similar. The cost of going to dinner and a movie or an evening of theatre or music was not the financial equivalent to the cost of painting one’s house that it is now. There was a certain ritualized civility, air of mystery, excitement and anticipation of discovery over the whole process with of course a simultaneous degree of fear, loathing and nausea.

People were generally pretty into the ritual of the first date good night kiss and the slow build to that (hopefully) mind blowing evening of falling upon one another in the abandon born of the pent up energy from the kind of foreplay that is the waiting-but-not-quite-playing-yet kind. Of course there would always be, as there is today and has been for hundreds of years, some occasional idiot that thought that if they paid for dinner that it was an automatic entitlement to The Sex at the end of the evening regardless of whether or not the other party was interested.

Americans now have service institutions devoted to handling that ritual which seems to strike so many as an inconvenience to be passed off to someone else the same way they might take their laundry to Fluff-and-Fold. For a fee, the service will take care of all that pesky stuff that meeting at work, being in the same congregation at church together, introductions made between mutual friends or chance meetings where eyes connect across a crowded room used to do. With an in-depth and honestly filled out character-profile and current photo (uh huh) that lists likes, dislikes, sexual likes and dislikes, diseases, prison record, education, children, etc..., the service will separate the wheat from the chaf and determine via computer software program those individuals appropriate for meeting. That is all they determine. Whether or not it is a compatibility probability that two people should bother to meet - why waste each other's valuable time if the computer says they are incompatible? There is really no point in bothering with any sort of human-style gathering of information via actual speech because there is a software program for that. I actually know several couples that have met this way and are now blissfully into their first five years of marriage, having saved POT LOADS of money on traditional dates, presents, new underwear, flowers, bathing, etc. by paying one simple fee to an outside organization to determine compatibility.

There is also a new and trendy thing called “Speed Dating.” I want to know what mind thought of THIS. Even Churches are getting in on this one. One goes into a previously rented-for-the-occasion restaurant, coffee house, veteran’s hall, church parish hall, whatever, and in a “game” used frequently on corporate retreats for employees having communication difficulty – one group stays seated with a group of empty chairs across from each of them while the second group sits in the corresponding empty chair for five minute intervals until a bell goes off. When the bell rings, they move to the next person. The duration of this new and exciting meeting opportunity is about one hour. In this way, each person who paid the entrance fee (or "suggested donation") gets a 5-minute “speed date” with every “potential” in the room to determine whether or not they might want to see that person outside the structure of that five minute mini-interview.

After one decides through these various careful screening processes if they wish to meet further, one is now free to meet for “coffee” or “drinks” - preferably early in the evening so one can get back to work for that late dinner meeting, or to the gym, or home to watch the game or the latest creation in what is now called “the CSI franchise.” I’m still waiting for “CSI-Yuba City.” I guess the whole purpose of “meeting for coffee” is that you ask a few more simple yet guarded questions about each other which are responded to with equally simple yet guarded answers, none of which tell anybody really ANYTHING about each other and are really only a method of determining whether or not you want to get naked with that person if one is going to be truly honest about it - which for many people really doesn’t involve needing to know that much about a person. Meeting for coffee is a frugal investment. Movies are expensive and dinner can be iffy if someone has undisclosed food restrictions. Like chicken. Are you with me so far? Okay, so after paying the fee, consulting the software, conducting the mini-interview with the bell, deciding to "meet" and living through that portion of the efficiency process - if that first “potential date” seems to be somewhat successful, then MAYBE another frugal investment date will follow. Like “lunch.”

Of course, there is always the other tried and true alternative which can be promising. This method entails going to your favorite watering hole, drinking yourself silly on apple martini’s and going home with a complete stranger who turns out to be decidedly less charming and attractive the next morning than he/she was at 1:45 a.m. the previous evening. But hey, who can really complain when all you’re looking for is some temporary attention and warmth? It seems that’s all anyone is truly looking for, given the dehumanized trimming down of the traditional dating ritual to its present form – what I like to call the STARBUCKS ENCOUNTER.

Thank heavens Manpants and I met the good old-fashioned way in the waiting room of our psychiatrist.