Sunday, April 17, 2005

BULK FOLDER

Don’t get me wrong. There is, I am sure, a place for what I am about to share with you and I believe that place to reside somewhere between a rat infested abandoned trailer and a porn set in Woodland Hills or maybe a Reality teeVEE show development office, but what I do wish to state unequivocally is that I am not a forty-something woman who downloads The Porn. Nor have I followed anything that has anything to do with Paris Hilton, other than once, unintentionally. That one time prompted me to scream a huge EEEEEWWWWWWW after flipping through a magazine only to happen upon a Guess Ad featuring her sitting there, chicken legs spread wide apart with her Chihuahua placed in front of her crotch like a merkin... Where is the SPCA when this stuff is going on?...Okay, I’m getting off topic...Where was I...oh yeah. I do not intend to collect Pope memorabilia, nor do I intend to become a middle-aged wife type person looking to score hot young men to have group sex with and then video it for internet publication later; I do not intend to WATCH middle-aged wife type persons having group sex. I don’t take drugs stronger than aspirin, since there was a time and place for that and it was called The 80’s; I don’t need to enlarge my penis, since I don’t have one; I don’t need to enlarge my breasts, which I DO have; I know what it’s like to lose one’s virginity, having lost my own years ago, so I most assuredly do not need to watch someone else lose theirs.

I might however, wish to take advantage of a Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks giveaway.

I just wanted to preface that. That and to state that the word of the day is Merkin. A pubic wig for women. Merkin. Try to find a reason to use it in a sentence. I swear it will make you giggle.

Okay...the aforementioned out of the way, I wish to share with you the contents of my Bulk Mail Folder that arrived between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 9:00 a.m. this morning. On a gorgeous Sunday morning while the sun was shining and the birds were chirping. I had just returned from a lovely hike where I communed with Nature, ran a little, hiked a little, picked up after my dogs a little – okay a lot...and feeling mighty refreshed and spiritual after all that Nature, I came home, ate a little breakfast, went to check e mail and:

· Should Paris Hilton be punished? Answer now and get a complimentary pink cell phone!
· Mature MILF action! Check it out! The hottest here!
· Yours to Keep – New Kmart Gift Card Valued at $1000!
· Watch first timers get banged and enjoy it!
· Dunkin donuts or Starbucks Coffee Gift Card Giveaway!
· Get a complimentary Sony VAIO Notebook!
· Larger Breasts Now!!!!!
· Cut Federal Student loan paybacks in Half!
· Cardiologist slashes cholesterol in clinical trial!
· Mature women bare all!
· Penis enlargement pills here!
· Now her love life might be better than yours!
· Cell phone product testers needed!
· Bonnie’s first time giving a B.J.!
· Hot blonde, teenage lesbians on video here!
· Pope John Paul II Commemorative!
· Vioxx – 50 pills for $60!
· Videos of hotties giving their first @#$!
· Aged to perfection, mature women bare all!
· Yolanda’s first time in bed and! @#$@$#@$ it!
· Herbal Breast Enlargement!
· Get a Free T-Mobile Sidekick Cell Phone!
· For $1000 cash, Is Michael Jackson Guilty?
· Get up to $500 by tomorrow!
· Fastest UP in 20 minutes!
· Tomorrows Stocks on the run!
· Trade Alert !
· Narcotics such as Pitocin may interfere with other drugs…
· (and yet another) Pope John Paul II commemorative!

Hmmmmm. After reviewing the list again, I think that perhaps Paris Hilton SHOULD be punished for sexually exploiting her Chihuahua.

17 Comments:

Blogger ~Betsy said...

I agree; and I think Paris Hilton should be punished just for being a blonde bimbo upholding the stereotype. Her merkin needs to find a better home.

I started using Firefox for internet browsing and Thunderbird for e-mail (found at Mozilla.org). Both programs block pop-ups and SPAM, telling you how many ads were blocked and giving you the choice to group-delete or view them. Very satisfiying. DELETE.

Do you ever wonder about the type of person who actually clicks on some of those junk mail links?
Shudder...

17 April, 2005 16:23  
Blogger R said...

OHMAGOD..I Lurve Paris. How DARE YOU! I got a dog just like hers so I could feel the simpatico-ness. Or something. I'm holding her between my chicken legs as I type this. We look HOT!
Okay..shake it off. That was freaking hi-LAREOUS. Laughed so hard I had to go reread it. Then laugh again. They must make money off that crap. Why else is there SO MUCH OF IT? It is so irritating. Thank God for Yahoo email spam file. I just don't even have to look at it anymore.

18 April, 2005 16:40  
Blogger Whymrhymer said...

"EEEEEWWWWWWW" is an appropriate response. Just what was her merkin doing between her legs . . . or did I misunderstand?

18 April, 2005 21:52  
Blogger R said...

Okay..just told the Mormon lady across the street that I was having my "mirkin highlighted" She gave me a combo polite smile/horrified sidelong glance. THIS IS FUN!!!!

18 April, 2005 23:37  
Blogger Laura said...

Bwaahaahaaa....some of the topics you mention are being googled by merkin-wearing middle-aged swingers right now at this very moment...your blog will come up on their google search as a "hit". Should lead to some interesting comments!

19 April, 2005 04:53  
Blogger Jet said...

Not, mind you , that anyone here doesn't believe you could give a middle-aged merkin-wearing swinger a literary besting.

Thanks, as always, for the wonderful creative writing that is Millicent Frastley. Accept no (merkin wearin') substitutes.

19 April, 2005 16:22  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

lmao, Can you just foward all of that to me!

j/k, I would get shot in my own home...

20 April, 2005 13:17  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

This has been killing me since yesterday, but uh what is a "merkin?"

21 April, 2005 06:58  
Blogger Laura said...

Patcam2005! Dude, pay attention! She already SAID a merkin is a "pubic wig". Millicent is a very busy woman and doesn't have time to re-explain the key theoretical concepts, especially highly advanced ones like merkin. Try to keep up, will ya????

21 April, 2005 18:08  
Blogger frstlymil said...

Yes, indeedy...okay, Patcam, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and will say that though you READ that the merkin is a pubic wig - you didn't believe that was really what it meant. It does. A pubic toupee if you will. Originating in the burlesque theatre, it is used frequently today by actresses doing nudity that we, the rated R movie going people, are led to believe is really her in her "altogether." Many times they wear a merkin over their real parts. I'm sure some of you will find that disappointing.

21 April, 2005 22:40  
Blogger PATCAM2005 said...

Sorry, ussually I am skimming through cause I sneak on at work, well kinda like I am doing right now. I will read twice though before I comment;)

22 April, 2005 08:36  
Blogger Chris said...

Cool site.

I think I came here once before and got lost in the prose somewhere.

You write very well. I'm not much on Paris Hilton either, her video wasn't bad- better than Pamela Anderson's.

I did learn a new word: merkin. I'm going to try it around the office and see how it floats. Maybe my wife will know it.

24 April, 2005 12:15  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

When you say 'Paris Hilton's Chihuahua' is that a sexual euphemism ?

25 April, 2005 13:09  
Blogger I.M. Dedd said...

I'd love to be in the board room when they name these things. Can you picture a bunch of people sitting around in a conference room table with a pubic wig in the middle going, "what ARE we going to call this." Then someone says, "how about MERKIN." And they all nod approvingly.

I'm in the wrong line of work.

25 April, 2005 13:41  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

Are you sure men can't wear merkins as well?

Can you still buy merkins?

What colour do they do them in?

Can you get merkins in the style of bikini waxes?

Merkin merkin merkin...

26 April, 2005 08:52  
Blogger Laura said...

There once was a gal with a merkin
Which had the gal constantly smirkin'.
It was all made of mink
Which tickled her pink
But it kept the SPCA workin'.


******Ok that was lame. The only other rhymes I could think of were jerkin' and lurkin'. If anyone would like to improve upon this limerick be my guest.

28 April, 2005 10:34  
Blogger Herge Smith said...

Millicent,

So how did you get out of that scrape with the Insect God?

Your question regarding Triffids has now been answered over at mine.

Cheers.

30 April, 2005 02:24  

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