Science Experiment, My shapely ASS!!!!!

I know I keep bringing up this Biology-advertised-as-being-for-Non-Biology-Majors-class. It is an all consuming Life Suck at this point. I am tested weekly on my grasp of things like respiration, photosynthesis, fermentation and adenosinetriphosphate and it’s role in the mitochondria (ATP for those of you in the know) – or is it the rough endoplasmic reticulum and not the mitochondria? I can never get those wacky organelles straight. I do know however that the mitochondria was the inspiration for the movie The Matrix, starring Keanu Reeves. Serious…

Okay, so last night in class I watched a film on the human reproductive system (at my advanced age, I’m pretty darn familiar with it already, thank you very much) that, among other things showed a live birth and an infrared erection. Of course not in that order. That’d be silly. One just doesn’t see that every day. An infrared erection, I mean. Pretty colors are to be had from an infrared erection. Actually makes the penis look rather pretty as opposed to the “Aye, Lassie, how’d ya like ta take the wrinkles outta this?!” dangling appendage we’re used to. Face it guys. It’s just funny lookin’.

During the past week in class I found out that my Biology-advertised-as-being-for-Non-Biology-Majors-class is actually an important core curriculum requirement in the Biology Department for Biology Majors. There goes truth in course catalogue advertising. I, again the misfit, do not actually belong there. I sit pouring over my text, wondering what my purpose is for taking up a seat at the lab counter, when Fate actually steps in and makes everything A-Okay.

We have to do a science experiment. I chose a nice safe one that has to do with Botany that my friend Laura over at Am I There Yet? gave me for free. Thank you! It involves using Fava Beans. (Insert dated Chianti Joke here.) But as of last night I am also a SUBJECT in another experiment. That’s right. I’m a joiner! A regular Pinky. Or Brain. Whichever lab rat is your favorite. Perhaps a combo. A Binky. Anyway, there are 6 of us Binkys in said experiment. I’m not exactly sure what the hypothesis is, but the experiment involves each of us following a different diet for 2 weeks and comparing the results. We’ve got Atkins, South Beach, Zone, Beverly Hills, etc….. The youngsters will not be exercising during the process. The other “mature” woman in class and myself will exercise only 2 times per week, for one and a half hours at a go. I don’t know what the 2 guys will be doing. The diet I chose to live on is the “whole foods” diet, which basically means nothing processed, packaged, canned, no bread, cheese, cereal, cheese, ice cream, cheese, Weight Watchers delicious frozen desserts, cheese, tortillas, etc. I can’t have cheese either, which kinda blows. I can have: Vegetables, Fruit, Grains, Meat – all fresh as a daisy. Which brings me to my new discovery and I may just eat this at every freakin’ meal to come. Quinoa. (Pronounced Keen-Wah) – a super grain way higher in protein than any other grain, with an impressive amount of iron and B vitamins to boot. The Incans just swore by it apparently. It’s been around for about 5000 years, but of course we Americans are just finding out about it now, due to our advanced status globally in all things. It actually is mighty tasty and is not remotely boring like brown rice can be, is, ever shall be. Two of my classmates; one a stunning young woman from South America who is about a size 2 with perfect skin, and the other, a nice Jewish boy named Seth with a body like Michelangelo’s David (not that I was leering at a much younger man, but, okay I WAS. So WHAT? Manpants will forgive me. That's the burning hunk of love that I live with in case you're wondering who in hell Manpants is. Anyway, the classmates both claim to “just LIVE on Quinoa!” Okay. There’s a nifty endorsement. A tasty food recommended by two genetically superior humans. I’ll give it a go.

I'll post in the meantime - I'm way behind in my next hack noir chapter - but I’ll let you know the results in two weeks, and may the best diet win!!!!! (I’ll be rooting for ME, but if you have a preferred diet that you just adore, feel free to cheer for that one. I'll still win.....serious.....dunno about the cheese....)