Sunday, October 10, 2004

DETOX, HEADSTANDS AND SOUP POOP...oh my.

There’s nothing like the spiritual clarity one achieves by standing on one's head in a meditative state, calmly checking in with the mind, heart and muscles, aware of the increase in strength in the arms and abs, the blood rushing to the head, filling it with much needed oxygen for mental acuity, the sense of peace, serenity and calm overwhelming, while one’s youngest dog decides to unleash a mountain of foul oh-my-god-you’ve-got-dead-people-in-you diarrhea under the dining room table.

I realize that is a fairly common excuse used by slackers everywhere to explain why they haven’t done what they promised to do lately; in my case I have been sooooo very behind in terms of my continuing to tell you what transpired between the cops, the sissy, the little dog and myself in the promised new chapter of Courtesy Confidential. I will. But I had to clean up a mountain of soupy poop. Okay, actually I had to complain about a mountain of soupy poop. I am sure what I intended to say in my calm, rational and yoga serene voice was, “Manpants? I really need some help here and it would be great if you helped me clean up after our precious princess who is obviously sick from eating something on the ground.” Apparently, what really came out of my mouth after my head stopped spinning around was more like “COCK SUCKING SHIT FUCK SHIT MOTHER FUCK! CAN’T FUCKING ANYONE SEE I’M FUCKING TRYING TO BE FUCKING SERENE HERE!?!?!?!?” Manpants chose to save the day by cleaning it up. Which then clogged up the toilet, despite his removing the foul ick with flushable toilet paper in small flushable portions and flushing them. Which caused a whole ‘nuther problem. So dahlings, I’m just not FEELING it today. In the meantime there are biology exams to be taken, critical analysis papers on Hamlet to do…whole food to be cooked……and presidential campaigns to lose sleep over. (With respect to presidential campaigns, for a great analysis of where this country has gone in terms of Stupidity by Choice, check out Skinny Dipping With the President and read the “25 Watts” entry. She sums it up mighty well.)

As far as this lab-subject-in-my-biology–class-diet-thing is going, it’s interesting. One, the rapid weight loss is kinda cool – except that in my experience, rapid weight loss will come back on even more rapidly, producing nothing more than heartache and stretch marks. The detox factor is what’s really interesting, in that I have found myself at times experiencing a few slight mood fluctuations (referenced above). No sugar, flour, no additives, preservatives, nada, which is worth noting in terms of realizing just how many convenience commodities we’ve come to depend upon that are loaded with extra stuff we pay no attention to in the interest of saving whatever valuable time we were saving for something else. TeeVee, perhaps. I guess that’s bound to have an effect. I can go further to say that sudden removal of said commodities will probably have an effect as well. The only thing I’ve not given up is coffee – which I maintain is not processed food. It’s roasted beans. I grind them and pour hot water over them. That’s not processing – that’s survival of the species because if I didn’t have coffee there would be dire consequences to about 12 city blocks in any direction with me at the epicenter. I have removed every known addictive substance or action over time and am much better for it – but I WILL NOT GIVE UP CAFFEINE. Or shopping. A woman has to insist upon and maintain a certain balance or the world will end in a fiery blaze of chaos and destruction.

So sayeth Millicent.

3 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

Ah, serenity. That may have to be a goal for another lifetime.

Hey, we had indoor dogshit too! Our "incident" doesn't sound nearly as bad as yours, though.

Papers and lectures and tests, oh my. I can relate. But I'm still anxiously awaiting the next chapter of Courtesy Confidential.

10 October, 2004 18:30  
Blogger R said...

Hilareous!! How you are dealing with the stress of all that and not having a side of some nice therapeutic french fries is beyond me. I had to go eat some tater tots for you. You just keep writing SOMETHING whether it's Confidential or not. I know how that goes. One minute it's fun the next it's the Nordic Track in the corner. Looking at you and bearing down on your day with it's insistant silence. You get to it when you can. In the meantime...good luck on your exams and your papers!

12 October, 2004 18:45  
Blogger R said...

And thanks for the referral. I got to Ahh-HA my husband who read that post (25w) over my shoulder as I was writing it and declared "I would have written it differently" What-ever. ;-)

12 October, 2004 18:47  

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